Miss swearing at trees? Forgotten what it feels like to climb through gorse? Skin too intact?
With all this time off tramping your brain might be trying to forget the trauma of your last proper bush bash.
But fear not!
Follow these nine easy steps for a bush bashing adventure in your own backyard!
The 9 easy steps to bushbash at home:
- Go to a place in your garden you’ve never been to before. You know, the scary corner in the back, the one that’s really overgrown? Yeah that one.
- Find the most spiky horrible bush mess you’ve seen in your life. This is a good place to start. Bonus points if there is a bluff underneath.
- Get into appropriate bush bashing attire. Usually when tramping, despite knowing there could be bush bashing involved, I decide when packing that ‘it probably won’t be that bad’ and ‘I’m not weak’ so don shorts and a short sleeved t-shirt. This is a respectable move. I mean how else will you prove to your ‘friends’ how tough you are?
- Grab your extra gear, the more the merrier. Think you’re tough? Bring your 65L pack. Want to hate trees AND yourself? Bring an ice axe along for the ride. (Hatred guaranteed!). Want some relief for your burning legs? Bring a goon. Gaiters? What are you? A fine arts student?
- Now that you are appropriately dressed, dive head-first into said bush. Not over, not around. Into. Extra points if you actually penguin dive into it. Slide into that bush as much as you would slide into a fresher’s dms. Now that you are well submerged, crawl deeper until you are stuck.
- Now you are stuck. You might deny that you are stuck. That is because you are beginning to move through the five stages of grief, starting with denial.
- “This isn’t even like real bush bashing!” you shout. Stage two – anger. And it is like real bush bashing. You are angry. That in itself means that it is like real bush bashing.
- Finally you’ll move onto bargaining, depression and acceptance. ‘It’s okay if I’m stuck in a bush” you say to yourself as the hours pass by and you slowly lose touch with reality. If you brought a goon bag, now is an acceptable time to get it out.
- Accept your new life as a bush.
You’re welcome x
Words AND images by Georgia Prince